Episode #36: MP - Resist the urge to solve

 Episode #36: MP (Mini-Podcast) - Resist the urge to solve

So this is one my favorite topics when coaching parents, professionals, and individuals on spectrum themselves.

Today I’m giving you the golden ticket for helping someone you know think for themselves. That golden ticket is for you to resist the urge to solve problems for someone with autism. And if you, yourself, have autism, you can ask those around you to stop solving problems for you - as you would like like to learn  to do it for yourself.

Let me take a step back for a moment. We are learning through research studies that the act of shifting ones’ attention early in development is an indicator of autism. I mention this so that you can consider the fact that people with autism frequently need more time to shift their attention from one thing they are thinking about or doing before being able to attend to your question, comment, or even something occurring in the environment. 

So to take this further, I’d like for you to consider that if people around a child, teen or adult solves problems FOR them by telling them what to do rather than supporting their independent problem solving, they will grow up not being able to solve problems for themselves! 

I see way too many teens and young adults in my practice who have not been introduced to the idea that they have processng time needs that impact the opportunities that they have gotten for their own decision making. So whatever age you are or the person you are supporting may be, let’s get you started with making those opportunities come alive!

Again, the secret is to resist or better yet, stop completely, the urge to solve. We tend to want to be helpful, alleviate awkward silence, rush children along, or focus on compliance. However, these only limit a person’s opportunities to make decisions for themselves. 

When we help someone when they could do it themselves, we rob them of an opportunity. 

When we fill-in awkward silence, we derail the person’s thought processing. 

When we rush children along, we raise their anxiety making decision making even harder than it needs to be. 

And when we focus primarily on someone just doing what they are told to do (aka compliance), we severely underestimate the power of that child, teen, or adult in finding new and creative ways to solve their own problems and learn about themselves.

You know that look on a child’s face when they are thinking about something but not yet taking action? This is a beautiful moment to savor. And sadly, one we do not commonly celebrate in the autism world. We need to be guiding autistic chidren to explore, consider, think, plan, and basically pause before reacting. 

Please note: If you need to listen in to my “riding high” mini-podcast, please do. That podcast is all about how you need to FIRST target bringing a person’s (or a child’s) nervous system into a zone where they CAN think rather than being in hyper-vigilant mode. This would have to either come first or along side with this podcast’s recommendation to resist the urge to solve and allow a person to think for themselves.

So what do you do instead of solving for them? It's really quite simple, actually. I never really talk about horribly challenging shifts anyone needs to make for real change to happen. It is in the subtle changes, the shift in your mindset, the shifts in your communication that make amazing and life long changes.

Share, explore, and engage with the problem instead of moving so quickly to solving. You’re an expert is seeing and evaluating problems or issues that need to be addressed. Consider yourself (as of today) a tour guide for everyday living rather than being in fix mode all of the time. Your child with autism may just need your time and attention to be shifted to the problem at hand. They have the skills and resources to solve issues on their own - they just need to be given the opportunity to orient to them.

Notice how much solving you already do. If you are exhausted from giving directives, cues, and not having a lot of long lasting shift happening in your household? You are solving too much.

  1. Give time for attention to shift. You can read or listen in more to this topic on my website under “Curiosity to you” as well as read about it in my upcoming book, being released on June 15th.

  2. State what you see. If you see that a person is heading out the door in shorts, a tshirt, and no shoes, stating what you see would be for you to say “Oh goodness, it is really cold outside” or “those shorts are not going to keep you warm!” or simply “oh no!” while pointing to their bare skin. 

  3. Allow time for them to process the issue. This may take up to a full minute or two. Really. A full minute or two. I’m not talking 10 seconds. I’m not talking 30 seconds. I’m talking a full minute or two. Offer the issue, ensuring the child, teen, or adult observes it too. Then start counting to at least 60 in your head silently. 

  4. Stand ready to help or clarify but ONLY give it once they SEEK your help. Seeking help is a way of solving a problem. You can help them at that point, IF they have requested assistance.

  5. And if they do not respond to the above, pat yourself on the back that you provided the opportunity and adjust your approach just slightly to try again another time. Adjustment options:

    1. Reduce distractions that are competing for their attention and try again

    2. Stop talking all together and use only your body language and gestures to guide attention (reducing the overall input and intensity)

    3. State the issue more clearly and concretely

    4. State the issue and provide options for solving - this addresses the fact that sometimes it may feel too open-ended and they may need the field of choices narrowed for them.

I hope that this has been helpful. Just remember, it is a shift in your thinking that is most important. Your actions will follow. Give your child the gifts of time and opportunities to solve problems on their own. This leads the way for them to become independent decision makers long term!

Let’s see, 

  • Check out my website at synergyautismcenter.com where I have both free and paid options for learning more

  • keep an eye out for my book being released on June 15th - titled Seeing Autism - Connection thru Understanding. 

  • Find me on Facebook, Instagram, and Twitter as Synergy Autism Center 

  • Enjoy one another. You matter. Neurodiversity is one of the most beautiful things about our humanity.


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