Episode #46: MP - Autism and Gender Diversity
Understanding autism and gender diversity
What parents and professionals can do
I’ve been hesitant about doing a podcast this topic. It has been coming up more and more in my work and I still do not feel like I am an expert. But then I realized that as a cisgender and neurotypical Mom, I will actually never consider myself an expert on the topic of AutiGender. I can admit that and share what has helped me learn and support those who have autism and are gender diverse.
As parents, our teens are discovering and exploring their identities, including gender, more than we ever did when we were growing up. Teens are amazing at challenging the status quo – especially when it might not make sense for themselves or others around them. Many of us were raised in a fairly traditional bi-nary manner regarding gender. We may find it difficult to wrap our heads around the gender fluidity in our next generation of wonderful humans. We might struggle with it feeling right or wrong (which is also a binary concept). We may fear a teen being an outcast from his peers due to not conforming to one gender or another.
But think for a moment about your own teen years. Remember your own angst in trying to find your true self. You tried to distance yourself from your parents in both subtle and more substantial or even risky ways. You discovered who you were by testing the limits, taking risks, wearing different clothes, different make up, or listening to different genres of music. And when one of those fit your personality, you felt at home. You felt heard. You felt valued, and seen.
I guess I don’t find it surprising at all that young people are testing the waters of gender fluidity. Its kind of fascinating and quite wonderful, in a way. Consider the fact that people in other cultures have been revered and considered spiritually elevated if they transcend gender. Maybe if we considered gender fluidity an evolution rather than a negative, we will all have a higher level of acceptance and humanity. I’m going to read from an article that I will also ensure in the show notes:
“...hundreds of distinct societies around the globe have their own long-established traditions for third, fourth, fifth or more genders. The concept of Two Spirits, which is derived from Navajo culture, believes they share both a male and female spirit and can be recognized and revered. The Hina of Kumu Hina is part of a native Hawaiian culture that has traditionally revered and respected Mahu, those who embody both male and female spirit as well.
https://www.iowastatedaily.com/news/gender-identities-lgbtqia-nicci-port-sistergirls-brotherboys-sekrata-femminiello-bakla-muxe-muxhe-zapotec-oaxacan-xanith-oman-islamic-inca-quariwarmi-chukchi-iowa-state-daily/article_f87c6974-bcc7-11ea-a214-1fd0e937b13b.html“
I’m often astounded at how I think that the autism community is teaching us so much about humanity. Autists are more likely than their peers to not conform to their birth gender. Some studies are reporting that those who are transgender are 3-6 times more likely to be neurodiverse and/or on the autism spectrum. Many become transgender or non-binary – not feeling that any gender stereotype works for them. It is actually clear from our biology that we all have the hormones of both sexes so it seems logical that we would all have expressions of one more than the other, both, or not at all. And it makes sense that if you are someone who is not as let’s say “tuned in” to social constructs, you may not be as likely to follow the social construct that there are just two genders or that you have to be the gender that your gentalia dictated at birth.
So what do you do if it’s your teen or young adult that is exploring their gender or has embraced a different gender than their birth gender? If you have been listening to my podcasts, you know that I like to ensure that you can walk away with something to try out. So true to form, here are 3 tips to keep in mind for better conversations with your teen or young adult who may be gender diverse.
1. Move quickly away from trying to “fix” or “cure” your child from autism or gender “confusion.” You will only widen the divide between, if you do. Accept your teen for who they are now and in the future. They need to be celebrated, validated, and supported to explore and determine who they are in their own skin. You, even as their parents, cannot feel what they are feeling, You cannot think what they are thinking. You can only stand by and support the process - or not. Choose wisely.
2. Adopt a team approach. None of us enjoy feeling alone. In fact, a colleague who I admire, David Pitonyak, is known to have said, the only disability is loneliness. He was referring to the commonly co-occurring condition of depression stemming from loneliness in the disability community. However, we can certainly extend that understanding of loneliness to all of us - in this age of so much depression and anxiety amongst our teens. So begin to use wording that gives your teen that sense that they are not going through this alone. Be sure they know that you are there to defend them and keep them safe. Help them navigate the world with this new understanding of themselves. Use “we” in your language as in “we will figure this out,” or “we are here for you.” I am not proposing that you solve any problems FOR your child but you can stand behind them ready for when they really need you.
3. Help ensure balance. Your teen may be fairly consumed with this new understanding about their gender. Do not go down the rabbit hole and become all consumed with it as well. Keep expectations reasonable and balanced with household responsibilities for example. Ensure they still take out the trash and clear the table from time to time. Dropping those expectations completely undermines their overall balanced development. You can certainly share this idea with them directly. and problem-solve accordingly. For example, you might say “I know you have a lot to consider as you navigate high school and this new identity but we still need your help at home.” Please see podcasts on teen and adult conversations for more tips.
4. Use gender neutral language as soon as and as frequently as possible. We are in a new phase of language that now includes gender neutral pronouns. Instead of she/her or he/his we more commonly use “they.” This is an immediate demonstration of your respect to not only them but their friends and community. Yes, I know it is challenging to change your pronouns but make the effort and ask your teen, spouse, and others to correct you until it feels more comfortable.
I know that this mini-podcast just skims the surface of the complex interchanges you are having with teens in your homes and offices. I hope that you have heard something to take away and to ponder as we all move to a more welcoming stance with our fellow humans who may look, act, or think differently than maybe we do.
I’ll be sure to put some of my favorite resources on this topic in the show notes. Many of these resources I have gleaned from the wonderful teens, adults, and parents in my practice.
Please keep an eye out for my upcoming book, Seeing Autism: Connections through Understanding due out this Summer.
Till next time -
What parents and professionals can do
As parents, our teens are discovering and exploring their identities, including gender, more than we ever did when we were growing up. Teens are amazing at challenging the status quo – especially when it might not make sense for themselves or others around them. Many of us were raised in a fairly traditional bi-nary manner regarding gender. We may find it difficult to wrap our heads around the gender fluidity in our next generation of wonderful humans. We might struggle with it feeling right or wrong (which is also a binary concept). We may fear a teen being an outcast from his peers due to not conforming to one gender or another.
But think for a moment about your own teen years. Remember your own angst in trying to find your true self. You tried to distance yourself from your parents in both subtle and more substantial or even risky ways. You discovered who you were by testing the limits, taking risks, wearing different clothes, different make up, or listening to different genres of music. And when one of those fit your personality, you felt at home. You felt heard. You felt valued, and seen.
I guess I don’t find it surprising at all that young people are testing the waters of gender fluidity. Its kind of fascinating and quite wonderful, in a way. Consider the fact that people in other cultures have been revered and considered spiritually elevated if they transcend gender. Maybe if we considered gender fluidity an evolution rather than a negative, we will all have a higher level of acceptance and humanity. I’m going to read from an article that I will also ensure in the show notes:
“...hundreds of distinct societies around the globe have their own long-established traditions for third, fourth, fifth or more genders. The concept of Two Spirits, which is derived from Navajo culture, believes they share both a male and female spirit and can be recognized and revered. The Hina of Kumu Hina is part of a native Hawaiian culture that has traditionally revered and respected Mahu, those who embody both male and female spirit as well.
https://www.iowastatedaily.com/news/gender-identities-lgbtqia-nicci-port-sistergirls-brotherboys-sekrata-femminiello-bakla-muxe-muxhe-zapotec-oaxacan-xanith-oman-islamic-inca-quariwarmi-chukchi-iowa-state-daily/article_f87c6974-bcc7-11ea-a214-1fd0e937b13b.html“
I’m often astounded at how I think that the autism community is teaching us so much about humanity. Autists are more likely than their peers to not conform to their birth gender. Some studies are reporting that those who are transgender are 3-6 times more likely to be neurodiverse and/or on the autism spectrum. Many become transgender or non-binary – not feeling that any gender stereotype works for them. It is actually clear from our biology that we all have the hormones of both sexes so it seems logical that we would all have expressions of one more than the other, both, or not at all. And it makes sense that if you are someone who is not as let’s say “tuned in” to social constructs, you may not be as likely to follow the social construct that there are just two genders or that you have to be the gender that your gentalia dictated at birth.
So what do you do if it’s your teen or young adult that is exploring their gender or has embraced a different gender than their birth gender? If you have been listening to my podcasts, you know that I like to ensure that you can walk away with something to try out. So true to form, here are 3 tips to keep in mind for better conversations with your teen or young adult who may be gender diverse.
1. Move quickly away from trying to “fix” or “cure” your child from autism or gender “confusion.” You will only widen the divide between, if you do. Accept your teen for who they are now and in the future. They need to be celebrated, validated, and supported to explore and determine who they are in their own skin. You, even as their parents, cannot feel what they are feeling, You cannot think what they are thinking. You can only stand by and support the process - or not. Choose wisely.
2. Adopt a team approach. None of us enjoy feeling alone. In fact, a colleague who I admire, David Pitonyak, is known to have said, the only disability is loneliness. He was referring to the commonly co-occurring condition of depression stemming from loneliness in the disability community. However, we can certainly extend that understanding of loneliness to all of us - in this age of so much depression and anxiety amongst our teens. So begin to use wording that gives your teen that sense that they are not going through this alone. Be sure they know that you are there to defend them and keep them safe. Help them navigate the world with this new understanding of themselves. Use “we” in your language as in “we will figure this out,” or “we are here for you.” I am not proposing that you solve any problems FOR your child but you can stand behind them ready for when they really need you.
3. Help ensure balance. Your teen may be fairly consumed with this new understanding about their gender. Do not go down the rabbit hole and become all consumed with it as well. Keep expectations reasonable and balanced with household responsibilities for example. Ensure they still take out the trash and clear the table from time to time. Dropping those expectations completely undermines their overall balanced development. You can certainly share this idea with them directly. and problem-solve accordingly. For example, you might say “I know you have a lot to consider as you navigate high school and this new identity but we still need your help at home.” Please see podcasts on teen and adult conversations for more tips.
4. Use gender neutral language as soon as and as frequently as possible. We are in a new phase of language that now includes gender neutral pronouns. Instead of she/her or he/his we more commonly use “they.” This is an immediate demonstration of your respect to not only them but their friends and community. Yes, I know it is challenging to change your pronouns but make the effort and ask your teen, spouse, and others to correct you until it feels more comfortable.
I know that this mini-podcast just skims the surface of the complex interchanges you are having with teens in your homes and offices. I hope that you have heard something to take away and to ponder as we all move to a more welcoming stance with our fellow humans who may look, act, or think differently than maybe we do.
I’ll be sure to put some of my favorite resources on this topic in the show notes. Many of these resources I have gleaned from the wonderful teens, adults, and parents in my practice.
Please keep an eye out for my upcoming book, Seeing Autism: Connections through Understanding due out this Summer.
Till next time -
Barb Avila
www.synergyautismcenter.com
RESOURCES FOR THIS PODCAST EPISODE
RESOURCES FOR THIS PODCAST EPISODE
Warrier, V., Greenberg, D.M., Weir, E. et al. Elevated rates of autism, other neurodevelopmental and psychiatric diagnoses, and autistic traits in transgender and gender-diverse individuals. Nat Commun 11, 3959 (2020). https://doi.org/10.1038/s41467-020-17794-1
Gender identities around the world
By Madison Mason, madison.mason@iowastatedaily.com
Jul 2, 2020 Updated Jul 7, 2020
Gender identities around the world
By Madison Mason, madison.mason@iowastatedaily.com
Jul 2, 2020 Updated Jul 7, 2020
Youtube videos:
1. Aaron Ansuini: The Overlap Between Autism, Transness, and EDS
2. Neurodivergent Rebel: Are Transgender and Gender Diverse People More Likely to be Autistic AND What is AutiGender? The Relationship Between Autism and Gender - An Autistic Perspective
Sarah Hendrickx - many trainings and supportive content via their website
Finn V. Gratton, LMFT - nonbinary and autistic
Training video available on her website for free: Supporting Trans Autistic Folks
Spectrum News:
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