Episode #54: MP - Who's Running The Show?
Episode #54: MP - Who's Running The Show?
Hello and welcome to another episode of my Synergy Autism Podcast. I am a family and individual autism coach and consultant. I feel incredibly lucky to have listeners now from all over the world who subscribe to this low tech series. Each week I share thoughts and ideas from my work with the autistic community in the hopes that you may benefit from the information with someone you know and love with autism.
Today, I’d like to talk about balancing who is running the show. I have many client children of all ages who will either lead or follow but the in between is challenging. Sharing the lead or switching it up is essential for full well rounded development and well being.
Say you have a 5 year old who won’t allow you to join them in play or allow you to introduce new additions or silliness to their play or engagements. You may kindly offer “ do you want to do this?” but the answer is almost always “no” or even a meltdown. Or you may have a teen who is not particularly verbal who is overly compliant to the point of doing almost anything you tell them to but almost nothing without being prompted. Or your adult child who will allow you to make all home decisions and only participate via refusal or compliance. They will help out with chores but only when specifically asked to do so.
Last week, I accompanied a lovely family to a park where I witnessed their young boy leading his parent around the park going from one thing to another then running towards the water with a fearful parent following behind. They boy did not respond to “stop” or “stay with me.” I was quite nervous for this boy’s safety, so of course, I wanted to help. On the surface he needs to learn to respond to “stop” and stay with his trusted caregivers. But this is a symptom of something more fundamental in my opinion. He does not see adults as sources of intrigue worthy of his curiosity and trust. Now hear me out. I know this boy loves and trusts that his parent will keep him safe and loves him. That is not what I am talking about. I am talking about his curiosity and trust of adult’s ADDITIONS to his learning and exploring. He is currently in the lead of his own learning and exploration which is sometimes phenomenal when and if it is in balance with following a guide’s lead as well. If he only learns through his own exploration, he will limit his own learning by stopping when things get seemingly too challenging or simply not of interest.
We need children to also feel a trust in us, as guides, that we will challenge them in new ways that will help them grow in directions they hadn’t initially thought of on their own. We need children to be curious and excited to learn from teachers, parents, siblings and community members so that they can spread their wings and explore beyond their known and predictable confines of their own learning.
How this can happen is through practicing balance.
Giving someone practice with balancing control of who is leading the show can and should absolutely involve free exploration where a child is in full control of their own learning and inspection. However, a child also needs practice in situations where you are the center of attention adding challenges in manageable ways. You get to take the spotlight over those toys or objects. You are the exciting and intriguing aspect of the play and engagement. Okay. I know. Easier said than done.
You may have heard me explain that autism can cause a person to be hesitant, anxious or downright fearful of change and uncertainty. So when I now ask you to BE the source of challenges - I am sure you think I may have lost it. Well,n o, I do want you to be SOURCE of change and uncertainty. But hear me out. I want you to be the source of change and uncertainty that is INTRIGUING rather than overwhelming. THEN and only then will your child follow your lead because they trust that you will not place them in an overwhelming situation beyond their capability and/or their sensory system can handle.
You will need to engage in two types of practice: (1) start slow and steady for the everyday practice and (2) be VERY predictable and consistent for any safety practice.
In everyday routines together, including play and leisure time, insert yourself into your child’s activities in tiny ways to start. And I mean TINY. Sit next to them. Make sound effects, bring out your mildly silly side for just a moment or two then leave and go about your business. Leave them wanting more. This is one of my mottos: leave them wanting more. Don’t keep going so long that you annoy or overwhelm the person.
In play, add little additions to HOW you play with the same materials. Make them fly, bounce, hide and fall. Highlight YOU and YOUR additions to the play - not just the toys or materials.
Now, for safety situations, I put these in a little bit of a different category due to their urgency. This is not going to be a time that you are giving practice with unpredictability and uncertainty. This is time for you to play into their default processing so that you can ensure compliance quickly and efficiently. Write down your plan for keeping them safe and get very predictable with your practice. You will make sense the more concrete, predictable, and no-frills you go. Share the plan with at least 1-2 other adults to practice also with the person. I am including my “stay with me” protocol in the show notes for keeping those runners in your life safe. Please read, share, and practice accordingly.
If you need to create your own safety plan, get really clear with your target and consider eliciting the help of professionals in your child’s life if you feel stuck. Get ONE protocol going between you and please revise as often as necessary for clarity and understanding. If it is for your child to learn the world “danger” so to not touch the hot stove or “stay with me” so they won’t run into the street, commit and practice It will b e the way forward.
Good luck. Find balance. And allow yourself to be intriguing. Don’t let that autistic someone in your life completely run their own show of learning. Learn to share your wisdom and silliness with them in ways that not only make sense but are manageable enough to spark curiosity.
Take care until next time….
Today, I’d like to talk about balancing who is running the show. I have many client children of all ages who will either lead or follow but the in between is challenging. Sharing the lead or switching it up is essential for full well rounded development and well being.
Say you have a 5 year old who won’t allow you to join them in play or allow you to introduce new additions or silliness to their play or engagements. You may kindly offer “ do you want to do this?” but the answer is almost always “no” or even a meltdown. Or you may have a teen who is not particularly verbal who is overly compliant to the point of doing almost anything you tell them to but almost nothing without being prompted. Or your adult child who will allow you to make all home decisions and only participate via refusal or compliance. They will help out with chores but only when specifically asked to do so.
Last week, I accompanied a lovely family to a park where I witnessed their young boy leading his parent around the park going from one thing to another then running towards the water with a fearful parent following behind. They boy did not respond to “stop” or “stay with me.” I was quite nervous for this boy’s safety, so of course, I wanted to help. On the surface he needs to learn to respond to “stop” and stay with his trusted caregivers. But this is a symptom of something more fundamental in my opinion. He does not see adults as sources of intrigue worthy of his curiosity and trust. Now hear me out. I know this boy loves and trusts that his parent will keep him safe and loves him. That is not what I am talking about. I am talking about his curiosity and trust of adult’s ADDITIONS to his learning and exploring. He is currently in the lead of his own learning and exploration which is sometimes phenomenal when and if it is in balance with following a guide’s lead as well. If he only learns through his own exploration, he will limit his own learning by stopping when things get seemingly too challenging or simply not of interest.
We need children to also feel a trust in us, as guides, that we will challenge them in new ways that will help them grow in directions they hadn’t initially thought of on their own. We need children to be curious and excited to learn from teachers, parents, siblings and community members so that they can spread their wings and explore beyond their known and predictable confines of their own learning.
How this can happen is through practicing balance.
Giving someone practice with balancing control of who is leading the show can and should absolutely involve free exploration where a child is in full control of their own learning and inspection. However, a child also needs practice in situations where you are the center of attention adding challenges in manageable ways. You get to take the spotlight over those toys or objects. You are the exciting and intriguing aspect of the play and engagement. Okay. I know. Easier said than done.
You may have heard me explain that autism can cause a person to be hesitant, anxious or downright fearful of change and uncertainty. So when I now ask you to BE the source of challenges - I am sure you think I may have lost it. Well,n o, I do want you to be SOURCE of change and uncertainty. But hear me out. I want you to be the source of change and uncertainty that is INTRIGUING rather than overwhelming. THEN and only then will your child follow your lead because they trust that you will not place them in an overwhelming situation beyond their capability and/or their sensory system can handle.
You will need to engage in two types of practice: (1) start slow and steady for the everyday practice and (2) be VERY predictable and consistent for any safety practice.
In everyday routines together, including play and leisure time, insert yourself into your child’s activities in tiny ways to start. And I mean TINY. Sit next to them. Make sound effects, bring out your mildly silly side for just a moment or two then leave and go about your business. Leave them wanting more. This is one of my mottos: leave them wanting more. Don’t keep going so long that you annoy or overwhelm the person.
In play, add little additions to HOW you play with the same materials. Make them fly, bounce, hide and fall. Highlight YOU and YOUR additions to the play - not just the toys or materials.
Now, for safety situations, I put these in a little bit of a different category due to their urgency. This is not going to be a time that you are giving practice with unpredictability and uncertainty. This is time for you to play into their default processing so that you can ensure compliance quickly and efficiently. Write down your plan for keeping them safe and get very predictable with your practice. You will make sense the more concrete, predictable, and no-frills you go. Share the plan with at least 1-2 other adults to practice also with the person. I am including my “stay with me” protocol in the show notes for keeping those runners in your life safe. Please read, share, and practice accordingly.
If you need to create your own safety plan, get really clear with your target and consider eliciting the help of professionals in your child’s life if you feel stuck. Get ONE protocol going between you and please revise as often as necessary for clarity and understanding. If it is for your child to learn the world “danger” so to not touch the hot stove or “stay with me” so they won’t run into the street, commit and practice It will b e the way forward.
Good luck. Find balance. And allow yourself to be intriguing. Don’t let that autistic someone in your life completely run their own show of learning. Learn to share your wisdom and silliness with them in ways that not only make sense but are manageable enough to spark curiosity.
Take care until next time….
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STAY WITH ME PROTOCOL:
KEY GUIDING PRINCIPLES:
STAY IN THE LEAD.
DO NOT PLAY CHASE.
STOP THE ACTION WHEN NECESSARY.
STATE “STAY WITH ME”
STATE WHERE YOU ARE GOING, USING JUST ONE WORD
Goal: For the child to stay with their guide (i.e., grandparent, mother, support worker, friend, professional) when walking outside where there are the dangers of vehicles, water, strangers, etc.
Prior to allowing them out of the car or out of your embrace, allow their attention to shift to you and state “stay with me,” clearly and simply. Add a single word for where you are going (i.e., “car” or “playground”).
If they start to pull away or run off - get to safety and stop the action. Stop where you are, reposition yourself to ensure their safety from running away, allow their attention to shift and state “stay with me,” clearly and simply - repeat where you are going using a single word.
If they are repeatedly pulling away or making it feel unsafe to only hold hands (for fear of pulling their arm, for example) place one hand under their armpit and another holding their hand.
Practice this at least 2 times daily - in your home first then your neighborhood or park.
It will help to tell them where you are going versus just to wander with you.
Do not play chase. As fun as it is/seems, it is reinforcing their thinking it is funny or amusing to run away from safety.
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