Episode #34: (Mini-Podcast) Modeling Relationships At Home
Modeling Relationships At Home
I am so glad you are here. It means you are committed to providing the best environment for relationship growth for you, a child, or a companion with autism.
I know you hear it all of the time: it is important to take care of yourself so that you can care for someone else. However, I want to give you even more reason to take care of yourself and introduce you to why couple-care and friendship-care is equally important for modeling a home filled with rich and satisfying relationships.
For the sake of simplification, I am going to assume that you are a parent, raising a child of any age who has a diagnosis of autism. You may be a single parent, you might be married, you may be a foster parent.
First: I’ll let you in on something: people with autism are commonly taught to worry about what others think of them, that their stimming behaviors should stop since they look funny or are annoying to others. They are told to act certain ways, to talk certain ways or not talk about certain things. They are not taught to first relate to themselves, to understand themselves and their own processing. They are routinely not taught to take care of themselves, to discover what works and doesn’t work for them. Many adults will tell you this is exhausting and leads to either meltdowns or shutdowns. They learn to mask for others instead of listening inward for greater health and acceptance. This is tragic and causes many other issues we see in autism like depression and anxiety.
To combat this reality, we can start to better support children with autism to have better relationships with themselves by taking care of ourselves. By modeling taking care of yourself - deep breathing when things get tough, sitting down when you are escalating, and taking time for yourself when you need to destress, you are giving the invaluable lesson that looking inward is valuable and helpful for your well-being. Aren’t these things we all want our children to learn? So if you need to, stop this podcast here and go sip that tea, breathe deeply, or sneak a walk in today, if you can. You are not only doing it for you but you are doing it as a teaching opportunity. Consider creating two plans for your own self care:
Overall
In the moment
Second: If you are still here or have returned after a bit of self care, I have another goody for you: couple care is super important for creating what psychologists Dr. Julie and John Gottman refer to as a solid relationship based home. By modeling your care for one another and even recoveries from disagreements, you are providing ideal opportunities for your children of any age to understand the importance of partnerships - when they go well and when they do not. I once had a parent couple of a young adult who mentioned that they purposely had never kissed or hugged in front of him for fear that it would make him sad, as he may not find love for himself. This saddened me to think that they were avoiding one another as a couple - rather than modeling what could be. Just through their actions of not being affectionate with one another, they were inadvertently making assumptions about and, I am sure, exuding their disbelief in his ever having an intimate partnership. So instead of modeling an affectionate, solid relationship based home, they were trying to normalize more loneliness? It just doesn’t make sense. Emotions, tempers, affection, and distance are all parts of the incredibly dynamic nature of relationships. So start with your own relationships with each other in your couplehood or co-parenting set up. Find ways to care for one another, talk routinely with one another, and support one another through both tough and loving moments. Here are a few ideas:
Find a date time each week to reconnect
Determine one ½ day per week when you are “off the clock” and they have the kids (and vice versa)
Set up a weekly meeting for discussing schedules, interventions, and such.
End of the day conversations: vent to one another without solving
Model the richness of relationships first with yourselves and then with each other. These will provide the essential modeling for solid and dynamic relationships at home.
You’ll be able to read more about the importance of modeling relationships at home and more ideas when my book comes out mid-2021. Until then, please take care for yourself and each other.
For more information, please go to my website: www.synergyautismcenter.com
Stay tuned for next week's mini-podcast.
And mark your calendars for my upcoming book - out June 15th, 2021
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