Episode #45: MP- Tips for Talking with Teens
Keys to connected conversations
Calm your own system
Sit down
Ensure a visual conversation as a focal point
Make statements
Get out of fix mode - listen without solving
Slow down - give processing time - only talk as much as they talk
Teens with and without autism can be tricky to talk with sometimes. But there are some basic tenants to keep in mind that should make conversations not only more relaxed but more connected and two directional.
First and foremost, calm your own system first of you will set yourself up for failure before you even start. If your teen struggles with regulation, they will be borrowing your calm (or borrowing your stress).
Next, be sure to figure out how you can have a seated conversation. Our bodies are more likely to go into fight, flight, or freeze mode when we are standing than when we are seated. And the awesome byproduct is that you are much less likely to put your teen’s system into fight, flight, or freeze if you are seated – as you are visually less of a threat.
Ensure a visual conversation – or a simple pad of paper to write key points to your conversation. If you are wanting to have a conversation about sleep habits, write the word “sleep” on a blank piece of paper between you. This may feel awkward at first but if you or your child’s mind and attention wander at all, this will help bring you back to your shared topic. And by writing down simple words or stick figures as you talk, you can reference it later for your shared decisions or shared thinking.
Make statements rather than judgements. It is so easy for us to go down the path of frustration or stating what you think is the problem by saying something like “you never brush your teeth!” or “your music is too loud.” But consider making statements that start with the word “I” first and dive further into the issue at hand than the surface issue. “I am worried about you getting cavities,” or “I am having a hard time hearing you/thinking when the music is at that volume.” This invites your teen in versus fronting with defensiveness right away. Statements can guide the why behind the requests you have been giving them for years. “Brush your teeth” might have been once a compliance task now must shift to the why it is important to brush your teeth or you will have an adult who either does it out of sheer compliance (which is rare) or out of understanding its’ importance (which is longer term).
Get out of fix mode - listen without solving – what this means is that you allow your teen to make a statement and you simply validate it. You don’t jump to what they should do or not do as a result. If the teen says they are anxious, you might say something like “I’m sorry to hear that.” If they say “I hate school,” you might follow with “I hear you, you really think school is awful.” We all have a strong need to be heard and if we aren’t feeling heard, we might fight to be heard. Think about how it feels to be told to “calm down” when you are anxious or upset. It doesn’t feel good or productive, does it. So don’t do it to your teen.
Slowing down and allowing processing time are very closely connected. We tend to want fix and that means trying to get quickly to an answer or a solution. But this rarely works with teens. We have to slow down and guide the processing now, as compliance-based teaching and guiding shouldn’t be our focus anymore. They need to learn to think for themselves for the long haul starting now. Teens (and all of us) all process at very different rates and we know that autists may have a harder time shifting their attention from one thing to another versus it having anything to do with processing ability – it may just be a matter of timing. Make that statement and sit with it. WAIT. Do not chime in to fill the awkward silence. Allow the time and the thinking to sprout and grow. Over feeding or over watering a plant will stunt it’s growth just as over talking will stunt a teens’ thinking. In fact, a good rule of thumb is to try to only talk as much as they do. If you are finding yourself doing all of the talking, chances are you that you are doing all of the thinking too. If they aren’t saying much, you shouldn’t either. It may take several rounds of fairly quiet or even silent shared space before your teen feels comfortable enough to share what is on their mind. The only exception here is if you have a teen who has a favorite topic they love to share about. They may share again and again with you simply listening, validating, and slowing down before they trust that they can talk about others subjects too. Be willing to keep going, keep listening, keep allowing their trust in you and in their own thinking to grow and flourish. This may take time.
Thank you for listening to another episode of the Synergy Autism Podcast – mini-series. These shorter podcasts come out each week for the entire year of 2021. If you like what you learn here, I’d love for you to purchase my new book coming out this Summer titled Seeing Autism: Connections through Understanding.
I wish you calm, collected, and connected conversations with a teen or teens in your life.
Till next time~
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